Commentary #1
First off the focus of your essay is
great. It is a huge subject and you should easily be able to find/ discuss
sources. Your intro was also very good, it drew me in and illustrated a scene
in which most people today have experienced. Now if I were to improve upon your
essay I would say you need some statistics or some kind of quotes. The idea of technology
as “a gift from us to us” is a great line. Maybe try to say something about how
people with different phones (smartphones and non-smartphones) like a
percentage or how many people have phones now versus ten years ago. Another thing I really liked about your essay
were the situational examples that you gave (great for confirmations). Now definitely
use some stats here where you mentioned People possibly getting hit by a car or
hitting someone or something with a car (that would also be great for confirmations).
From what I have read I do not see any real Refutation part in your essay, but
it is just a draft so I’m sure you will be fine when you go back and fix it.
The conclusion was put together very well. I think you wrote a great ending and
with the use of emotion, I’m sure it will hit its mark. So basically from what
I read you have a good argument (just need info to back it up/ spice it up),
the intro/conclusion is very good, and the only thing you really need is a
Refutation section.
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